“We cannot beg someone to stay if they want to leave. We have to admit that love does not give us the license to own a person”
– Jomari Consuelo
Have you ever fallen in love with someone and yet you didn’t end up being with that person? It must have hurt a lot and oftentimes we wonder, why does this happen? As painful as it is, there are steps that we can take to deal with the pain that we do not have to endure for much longer.
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?
1. Are you genuinely in love?
Sometimes, we wrongly assume that we are in love when in fact; it is our ego that reacts because we cannot have this person. If we are genuinely in love with someone, yes we would be hurt when the person rejects us but we do know that he or she has their right to choose to be with us or not because genuine love does not expect anything in return. If we are basing it on our ego than we need to stop immediately because the needs of our ego can never be fulfilled by anyone, no matter how much they have given us.
2. It could be a sign of a deeper issue/issues
Following step number above, when you desire someone to be with you, you need to be sure that you are really in love with that person or is that person a coping mechanism for us to deal with the pain that we have been through? Maybe the reasons that we have for loving that someone is to not feel lonely, to feel loved (this happens if you have a low self-esteem), etc. If you indeed recognise these issues, then you know that the rejection hurts because you know that you cannot healthily deal with your issues.
Using someone else, as a way to deal with your issues, will not work because you enter a relationship with a false expectation that can set the relationship to jeopardy. Please do not use anyone to fix your issues because they simply cannot do that for you because they are still dealing with their own issues too. There will be an equal amount of give and take in the relationship. If the relationship is too one sided, then you know that this relationship is not going to last long. Yes, your partner can help to make you more confident but if you keep on relying on him/her, it will destroy the both of you and it make your issues worse.
3. Too much expectations can kill you
Life is not a fairytale. There is no such thing as a happily ever after without a compromise. Sometimes when we really want to be with someone, we choose to only see the positive in him or her but not the negative. We cannot just see the positive without realizing that the person also has their negative sides. We are often reminded to follow our heart when we are in love, but we should also be rational. His or her bad sides might hurt you and it may also show that you are not compatible with each other.
4. You can fight for him or her, BUT….
If you have analyzed all the three steps above and that you are still sure that he or she is the one for you then you can fight for him or her. Yes, there are times where our circumstances do not support this and we can fight for that person, to the extent that we do not mess up other relationships. The right person will bring balance to your life and he or she will not demand you to put that person first instead of your friends and families. He or she will bring positive changes and you will be a better person for it.
There is another situation that we have to avoid: when the person that you like is already in a romantic relationship with someone else. This could seem really romantic in movies but in real life, this is a very messy situation. You should just remember that if the person wants to be with you too, then he or she would be with you, not anyone else, it is as simple as that, and there should be no excuses made. If that person still choose to be with someone else, that is already a clear answer that he or she does not want to be with you and the more you fight for him/her, the worse it is going to be.
5. “Only know you love her, when you let her go…” – Passenger
Let us be honest, sometimes; we are still hoping to end up with that person, don’t we? No matter how many times we have been hurt but we still feel that there is a 1% chance that it could work. So, we set ourselves to be hurt staying in touch with him or her with the hope of “this time, it is going to work.” It is good if it can work out but what if it does not? Do you really want to get hurt over and over again for something that will not work out?
To test if that 1% chance exists, you can ask that person how he or she feels. If that person feels the same, then you can definitely end up with that person and that you have a fighting chance (assuming that he or she is not in a relationship with anyone else), if not, well, it is what it is and it shows that he or she does not want to be with you. In the end, we would wish them nothing but the best because if we truly love that special someone, his or her happiness will eventually become our happiness too, even when we cannot be a part of it.
Life goes on..and so should you
Not being with someone that you love does hurt a lot but it should not be the end of the world. It could take days, months, and well even years to move on but you need to know that if that person loves you, you will end up together. If not, then give yourself a chance to move on. Please do not ruin your life or even commit suicide (it happens to some people) because you cannot be with that person. You should always remember that just because someone cannot see your value, it does not mean that you are not valuable. You are valuable and please strive to love yourself first before you love anyone else.
What steps would you suggest if you have faced this issue or if you are currently facing it? Be sure to let us know in the comments below. Your comments can help other people too!